Exercise Is Your Best Weapon in the Fight Against Loneliness
Put down the happy pills, pick up a weight
I’m 33 years old and just went through my first breakup.
Traditionally, I’ve never been one for relationships. They’ve never appealed to me. The idea of incorporating someone else into my life’s frame seemed, well, unnecessary. I’ve always had a lot going on both personally and professionally. I’ve been constantly on the move for as long as I can remember. I didn’t need to add something else to the mix, especially something as (seemingly) complex as a relationship.
A little over a year ago, I met someone who changed my entire outlook. We had many shared values and hobbies. We had similar musical tastes. We liked the same foods. I even learned to like new ones. Conversation was effortless. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with this person.
I finally understood the value of a good relationship, most notably that it can evolve into a genuine partnership, where two people can learn, grow, and most importantly, build with one another, making each other better in the process. Talk about one of life’s great “aha” moments.
Ultimately, our time together came to an end. Our connection was strong, but not meant to last forever. No one cheated, no one lied, it just wasn’t meant to be. This person was (and still is) a truly awesome human being, and I’ll always hold them in high esteem.
Over the next few weeks, I experienced all the emotions that come with severing a meaningful relationship. I asked all the questions, took stock of all the learnings, and finally came to terms with the reality of the situation. It wasn’t easy, but a newfound sense of freedom took hold once everything clicked. I was ready to move to the next chapter.
But that freedom quickly wore off. Almost immediately I started feeling something else. Something I hadn’t previously experienced, even in all my years living the solo life.
Loneliness had reared it’s ugly head.
Loneliness is the ultimate voyeur
Loneliness is a particularly insidious devil. He sits there, lurking in the background, like that creepy neighbor who always watches you when you leave the house.
He bubbles near the surface of whatever you’re doing. Work, social events, family gatherings, he’s never far away, ready to sting you right in the gut when you least expect it. And at night he’s relentless, determined, implacable. Playing his mind games when you’re most vulnerable.
So why here? Why now? Why was this devil suddenly sitting on my shoulder when he and I had never met before?
I had experienced the joy of sharing my life, my very existence, with another person. I finally understood the reason why people engage in relationships despite their complication —they’re full of moments, large and small, that are utterly sublime. To experience a connection with another human on such a level is intoxicating. Colors are brighter, food tastes better, music is more engaging. Even doing the dishes is less of a pain in the ass.
It’s this connection that makes it all worth it. But it’s this connection that gives loneliness his power.
There is no going back. I’ll never be the person I was before. I now require that connection down to my core. And this is why loneliness probably won’t leave me alone until I find that connection again.
So then. What can I do about it in the interim? What can any of us do about it?
Exercise is a beacon in the night
Feeling lonely, frankly, is kind of a bitch.
Early on, I lost my appetite and consequently lost some weight. And being 145 pounds soaking wet I don’t have much to lose.
I lost motivation. To work, to write, to exercise. All I was capable of was journaling haphazard thoughts and feelings into an old work notebook. I didn’t want to go outside, I didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted the world to just leave me alone (ironically) so I could brood in peace.
Is it just me, or is the sun a little less bright these days?
Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who listened and supported me through what was a completely new experience. They offered advice, wisdom and the assurance that even though the storm was fierce, this too shall pass.
They gave me the kick in the ass I didn’t necessarily want but so desperately needed. “Get off your ass and do something,” they said. “You’ve always been a mover and shaker. So move and shake for God’s sake!”
So I listened and went for a run.
That first run back was, for lack of a better word, brutal. I was tired. Underfed. Stiff from way too much time sitting on my keister. But I got through it, albeit slowly and begrudgingly. And I felt a little better. Exercise has been demonstrated scientifically to help with depression, anxiety and loneliness, so it’s no surprise I saw a small boost.
The next day I started my lifting regimen again. I was still tired. Still underfed. And now even more stiff from yesterday’s run. But I got through it and felt a little better.
I felt a little better the workout after that, and a little better the workout after that. Slowly, I began to feel like myself again. I rediscovered my motivation to work. To write. To play the piano (one of my favorite hobbies). To engage with friends and family.
The sun was brightening again.
Don’t avoid emotional pain. Embrace it
To avoid emotional pain is to miss out on life.
As I started exercising again I started thinking. I like to think. And as I started thinking I came to a rather emphatic conclusion: I need to fully embrace the pain I’m experiencing.
The reason the relationship ended is because I ended it. I’m not going to sit here and say I wish I had a time machine to go back and change things, because it’s not a true statement. I made the most honest choice I could for how I felt at the time. It was truly the best I could do.
Except that my best fell short.
Rather unexpectedly, after the dust had settled, my feelings changed. I suddenly didn’t want it to end. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But it was too late. It was over. That’s what I struggle with most. That my loneliness is self-inflicted. That’s where my pain comes from. I don’t blame myself, it’s no one’s fault, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
“I had something great and I let it slip away,” I thought for a while. “What have I done?”
But then I thought some more. Went for a few more runs and lifted a few more weights. How could she be the right person for me if she’s gone? The short answer? She’s not. How could I be the right person for her when I didn’t choose her? The short answer? I’m not. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but a lesson I needed to learn.
Life’s funny. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. Sometimes two people see the light at two different times and that’s just what happens. I have faith that what happened was meant to happen, for me and for her.
I’m not going to avoid anything. I’m not going to brush anything to the side. I need to sit with these feelings. I need to understand them. To put them in their place. To learn from them, to grow from them. To be that much more equipped the next time around.
I need to analyze the mistakes I made. To understand that actions have consequences, no matter your intent.
I am the mistakes I made.
Every mistake has been a step towards epiphany. Towards understanding and hopefully, some kind of joy.
By denying this I am denying the truth. By avoiding pain I am denying myself.
Final thoughts
I’m not back yet, but I’m getting better. My outlook is improving. My motivation is rekindling. My weight is returning, one loaded Chipotle burrito at a time.
In addition to reaffirming my commitment to exercise, I’ve made a couple of notable life changes as well. I moved from the Chicago suburbs back to one of my favorite neighborhoods in the city. Back to an area I know well and where I feel comfortable.
I’ve taken on more consulting work as well as a couple additional partner projects with In Fitness And In Health. I might even work a few nights each week at the local running store down the street.
I need to be busy. I need to be active. If I’m not doing something, not creating something, then I’ll just sit here, imagining scenarios of fiery demise in my mind. And that does no one any good.
“If you love someone, set them free”. I’m not sure who said this first, but it rings true in my mind. This is to love without ownership. To expect nothing in return. And to know loneliness can be the result. Love (apparently) carries a hefty price, but I’ll pay it gladly. Because I know when I do find the person who’s meant for me, it will all be worth it.
I’m in the middle of this thing right now. Not the beginning, not the end. Smack in the middle of the storm.
And I don’t want to dodge any of it.
Scott Mayer is a runner, thinker, curious observer and certified personal trainer. Visit the In Fitness And In Health website for sponsorship opportunities, training plans, consulting options and additional content.
Exercise Is Your Best Weapon in the Fight Against Loneliness
Great authentic account from your personal life that we can all benefit and relate - no matter the loss. I know I did.
As you modeled, the answer to emotional recovery is within reach of our running shoes. Indeed, Action Changes Things.
Thanks Scott for sharing how you recognized and dealt with your personal loss.