I had a friend, we’ll call him Dave. Dave was selfish and combative. He had little respect for others and even less for himself. He became angry for no reason. He would dish out criticism but never take it. He constantly played the victim. He didn’t take responsibility for his actions. He was unpredictable, you never knew what he was going to say or do. It was always someone else’s fault.
I’ve known Dave a very long time, since childhood in fact. Childhood friendships are strong, even ones gone wrong. My friendship with Dave needed to end, but I lacked the courage to sever that bond. Some part of me continued to buy the lie that one day, with enough help, he would become the friend he was long ago.
Shortly after my 33rd birthday, something changed. He was a burden I finally refused to carry. An opportunity presented itself one morning to cut the cord and I took it. There were no shots fired or missiles launched, but things came to an emphatic end.
So what changed? Why did it take so long? And why was it suddenly so easy for me to end our friendship after years of derision and indecision?
Call it a byproduct of wisdom
We continually level up as we age. We make more money, follow our passions and settle in for the long haul with people we love. We’re more mature, more sure of ourselves and more resigned to our goals and ambitions.
Subsequently, our tolerance for bullshit plummets. If something isn’t moving us forward, we leave it behind. If someone is holding us back, we cut ties with them. We have no time for anything that interferes with us becoming the best version of ourselves.
The older we get, the less crap we’re willing to tolerate.
I’m not suggesting you’ll lose your humanity. You won’t start screaming at your neighbor’s kids to get off your lawn. But you’ll start guarding your time and energy like the precious (and limited) resources they are. You’ll become more deliberate with whom you spend your time. The “why” you do something becomes much more important.
Mark Manson said it best:
“You and everyone you know are going to be dead soon. And in the short amount of time between here and there, you have a limited amount of fucks to give. Very few, in fact. And if you go around giving a fuck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice — well, then you’re going to get fucked.”
You won’t tolerate your own bullshit either
Being less forgiving of others means we’re also less forgiving of ourselves. You can’t have one without the other.
I used to be impulsive, irrational and quick to anger. I made poor decisions that impacted me physically, mentally and spiritually. How could I expect Dave to improve when I wasn’t willing to improve? How could I hold others to a standard I couldn’t adhere to myself?
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was to stop asking for advice. To trust my instincts, to go with my gut. Growing older allows you to rely on your own experience rather than the experiences of others, because you now have more of them. You’ve seen more. Done more. Learned more.
As I began to rely more on myself, I noticed a dramatic shift in my behavior. If I engaged in an activity I knew to be wrong, or unproductive, or downright stupid, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Knowing that what I was doing wasn’t moving forward became unbearable and thus, unacceptable.
Once you learn to hold yourself to a higher standard, you’ll find it much easier to hold others accountable as well. See ya Dave.
We lack the ability for such self-discovery when we’re young. We’re still exploring, finding ourselves, seeing where we fit in. Personally, I had to experience a lot of negative before finding what’s positive.
Life is too short to interact with low-quality people. It’s too short to spend time doing things we don’t want to do. Too short to constantly bide our time, always planning instead of doing, only looking ahead instead of enjoying what’s here and now.
I just needed a few more trips around the sun to figure that out.
Scott Mayer is a runner, thinker, curious observer and certified personal trainer. Learn more at scottjmayer.com.